Sunday, June 03, 2007

The Most Perfect President Ever Produced

The Most Perfect
President Ever Produced

Douglas Herman

Too often, past designs of presidential products fit for the American market, have tended to stray far to the left or right, often meandering towards an unpredictable, centralist idealism indicating clear design error. Created by corporations of narrow scope, these flawed creations have lacked in many time-tested features, resulting in counterproductive decisions and unpredictable behavior. In years past, occasional models even developed an unforeseen manufacturing glitch, an unfortunate (short-lived) malfunction, characterized by attempts to "do the right thing" too quickly, overriding design parameters.

For example, the JF Kennedy model, variant K (terminated due to malfunction noted above) sent designers back to the drawing board and paved the way for a more perfect product which had to meet a higher level of quality control. Older and wiser heads in research and development have since returned to the tried and tested designs of the past. As 2008 fast approaches, we are proud to say the future looks bright indeed.

At New World Order Products Incorporated, founded in 1913, we strive to develop the perfect presidential product. We take pride in our work, from our initial prototype, the Woodrow Wilson model, variant W, to the most recent creation, The GW Bush, model B.

We do not hesitate taking responsibility for product failure. Our Model J, "Jimmy" Carter proved to be a major disappointment. But then every manufacturer suffers an Edsel along the way. Thankfully, with the introduction of Model R, manufactured in molded plastic, often called the Teflon Ron, we returned to the basic credo of the New World Order Products philosophy: "Built Locally to Act Globally."

Since the failure of the experimental prototype, JFK, terminated before a second production run, we have assured a more rigid quality control of our products and 2008 may offer consumers some of the best designs ever.

With Model H, a variant of the popular Clinton variant, We feel confident consumers can expect the same predictable performance and reliability of the older Clinton, Model B: A straight and level course downward, with flawless handling that is permanently controlled by a microchip design that prevents any awkward turns towards higher ground while always maintaining a globalist perspective.

With all models, especially since the Uni-body Reagan, constant control is maintained through a back-up system. Thus, should the presidential product tend to wander towards higher ground or lofty regions, our VP micro-commander system, ever vigilant, provides suitable power to assume control at a moment's notice. This design feature was tested and perfected under a real-life, not simulated, test in 1981, when Teflon Ron was near terminated and VP model HWB flawlessly assumed command.

Once again, should our presidential product require sudden and abrupt termination (As in 1963), a complete and powerful replacement system assumes command flawlessly, programmed for just such emergencies. The current VP variant Cheney followed design parameters established long ago with the LBJ model and perfected with the variant HWB, designed more than a quarter century ago.

Thus, NWO Productions has not only designed a presidential production system but a powerful back up system. Interchangeable throughout, these designs preclude failure and insure that the PP functions properly and at all times. Indeed, often the original PP design may be terminated or "recalled" to ensure the more superior functioning VP variant may operate at a higher capacity.

For 2008, we have developed an exciting assortment of products, which we call Candidates, to insure the smooth functioning of all systems related to New World Order Products Inc. Critics often accuse PP designers of creating a wide assortment of presidential products that reveal, at first glance, a confusing conundrum. Too much diversity. Not true. ALL presidential products, beginning with our recently created 2008 Candidates, share a uniformity that is manufactured directly into the product.

Thus, the Barack Obama model, variant BO, is completely compatible with our older line of DEMs, or Dependably Engineered Models, such as the Joe Lieberman variant L, originally engineered in Israel, as are many of our best models, or the newer, sleeker designs, like the patented John Edwards prototype, remanufactured from an assemblage of John Kerry components. Thus ALL units built by NWO Products contain the exact same inner components designed to the exact same rigid standards.

Yes, you have our word on the integrity of our product.

The GOP line of new World Order Productions, also known as the Genetically Ordained Projectiles, feature award-winning, post modern plastic design. They follow in the example of our best-selling model, the Teflon Ron. Not surprisingly, all GOP Models, like our ever-popular John McCain, variant M-1, bear the signature of most molded plastic devices: Long service, smooth yet knobby surfaces, predictable responses pre-programmed by our computer engineers, with far fewer ethical glitches, tendencies often found in the younger, Independent products of our competitors.

But all models, whether DEM or GOP, share a pre-designed feature of rigid quality control, to maintain a high initial appeal and low ethical profile while maximizing profits and maintaining the designed mode of function. Superficial attractiveness, long-running ability and a smooth functioning globalist agenda characterizes the NWO production line, ever since the first Woodrow Wilson rolled down the line.

New World Order Candidates may appear somewhat different at first glance but, fear not, lengthy years of research and development has insured interchangeability and conformity. And remember: should a presidential product ever malfunction, hasty termination and replacement guarantees a continuous operation of smooth service, since 1913!

Satirist, scriptwriter and suspense novelist, Douglas Herman writes regularly for Rense. He is the author of the self-acclaimed suspense thriller, The Guns of Dallas. Email at

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